City Slickin'

SLENDER & GRISTLE
City Slickin’

Downtown, New York. Terry Gristle and John Slender stand over the decapitated body of a man wearing nothing but cowboy boots and assless chaps.

Slender: From the coagulation of blood underneath his body, I’d say this guy’s been dead for 8 or 9 hours.

Gristle: Well Johnny, looks like his days of ridin’ em cowboy are over.

Slender: I’d say he roped in his last doggie for sure.

They both stand observing the body and the surroundings.

Slender: Another Chelsea club humper?

Gristle: I don’t think so. He’s too doughy.

Slender: Thank God. I didn’t want to have to go undercover at one of those clubs again.

Gristle: John, don’t be such a homophobe.

Slender: Let’s see you do it next time then!

Gristle: John, it wouldn’t work. You’re the pretty one. I’m the brawn.

Slender: What are you talking about? You’d get your fair share. You’re a bear, man! Lot’s of dudes who like dudes could go for a dude like you ... dude.

Gristle: That’s sweet, John. I appreciate you saying that.

They eye the dead body up and down.

Gristle: So whadaya think?

Slender: Well, I made a call uptown. The Naked Cowboy is alive and well.

Gristle: So he’s not the deceased. Does Naked Cowboy have an alibi?

Slender: Yep. Been singing all day except for a couple of bathroom breaks. Hundreds of Times Square tourons can corroborate. He’s clean.

Gristle: That guy gives me the willies ... dancing and singing in his underwear.

They both squat down over the victim. Slender pokes at the dead man’s butt with a pencil.

Gristle: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Slender: You mean, if all of the Village People are still alive? Yeah.

Gristle: No, that’s not what I was thinking—although that’s a good question. I’m pretty sure one of them is dead.

Slender: Actually I think you’re right. Didn’t the construction worker die a few years ago?

Gristle: I think that was the cop.

Slender: Are you sure?

Gristle: Coulda been the biker.

Slender: Biker?

Gristle: Yeah. Looked like Freddie Mercury.

Slender: The guy from Queen?

Gristle: Yeah. Real queen.

Slender: Too bad he wasn’t from Queens.

Gristle: Ha ha. Yeah. Although he was from England—and they have a queen.

They both chuckle into a long pause.

Gristle: Maybe it was the Indian.

Slender: Indian? What are you tallking about?

Gristle: From the Village People.

Slender: You mean like Ghandi?

Gristle: No. The American Indian. Like Tonto.

Slender: Tonto? Who’s that? Was he in Dancing with Wolves?

Gristle: It’s Dances with Wolves. Not dancing. And no, that was Graham Greene. Or Wes Studi.

Slender: Who the hell are they?

Gristle: The two indians. The main good one and the main bad one.

Slender looks at Gristle vacantly then smiles.

Gristle: What?

Slender: Tatunka.

Gristle: Huh?

Slender: You know. Tatunka. Like in the movie.

Slender puts his fingers up over his head to mimic Kevin Costner imitating a buffalo to the other indian in the movie.

Slender: Tatunka. Tatunka.

Gristle smiles.

Gristle: Ohhhhh yeah, tatunka. Ha ha. Great fuckin’ movie.

Slender: You know it won 7 Academy Awards.

Gristle: Know it? I won the Oscar pool at the precinct that night. 300 bucks!

Slender: Wow. Not bad.

Gristle: Not bad at all. Especially for the early 90s.

They both ponder the movie some more.

Slender: Beautiful cinematography.

Gristle: Costner’s finest work.

Their eyes lose focus then bounce back.

Gristle: What the hell were were we talking about?

Slender: I don’t know—the indian.

Gristle: From the Village People.

Slender: Maybe you’re thinking of that crying Indian from those “Don’t Pollute” commercials.

Gristle: Whadaya talkin’ about. Not that guy. The Indian from the Village People—he wore a headdress.

Slender: Hey remember that Indian from Land of the Lakes?

Gristle: Land O Lakes.

Slender: Yeah that. "You call it butter..."

Gristle: “My people call it Maize.”

They both start chuckling as the camera pans down to the dead guy’s ass and then back up to Slender and Gristle pondering.

Slender: We should probably check this dead guy out some more.

Gristle: Yeah. Let’s roll him over.

They both begin to roll him when a business card falls out of the waist band of his assless chaps.

Gristle: What do we have here?

Gristle picks up the card and reads it:

Gristle: Wally’s Western Wear. White Plains Galleria. White Plains, New York.

Slender: (speaking the words dramatically) White Plains. It sounds so ... so ... majestic.

Gristle turns to Slender.

Gristle: When’s the last time you were on a horse?

Slender: Not counting when I went deep cover at The Manhole? Never.

Gristle: Really?

Slender: Terry, I’m from Brooklyn.

Gristle: Well saddle up Johnny Boy, we’re heading to upstate New York—big sky country! To a little town so small—so quaint—it doesn’t exist in my Encyclopedia Britannica set.


Cut to:

Slender and Gristle in front of a the White Plains Galleria on horses surrounded by a handful of Westchester yuppies and a large group of black and hispanic men and women.

Tune in next time for another exciting episode of
SLENDER & GRISTLE